Fear

Fear is a funny thing...

It can keep you from doing stupid, reckless things that you know you will regret either in the morning or in a year from now.  You can fear the consequences of your actions and words by censoring what you do; afraid you might lose or upset someone.

Fear can also hold you back in life

Like that neurotic kid who lives a few doors from you who has all of those paralyzing phobias of 1. Leaving the house taking in a big breath of fresh air and inhaling a butter fly, resulting in death 2. Being completely terrified of the sun and global warming and doesn't want to be exposed, so he uses excessive amounts of sunscreen and protection to prevent cancer and 3. He's just plum frightened to leave the house because he knows that the government has been monitoring him and his whereabouts and are just waiting across the road in that black SUV ready to take him down at the first opportunity... You know just normal phobias.

Now I know what you're thinking "What? Jessie is not afraid of anything!" 

Thank you for being so confident in my fearless ways. I appreciate it.

Ready for the shocker.... I am terrified of only a few things, surprisingly ;)

Gratefully it's none of the fears mentioned above... well except for the first one... and the third, definitely the third. Alright and maybe a little of the second as well.

Haha okay I'm not crAzy, not like poor Timmy down the road.

My list of fears from Least Important to Most Important:

1. Mascots- Don't know what it is but they freak me out, you don't know who's inside and they never talk to you.. Is the person mute? Don't just stare at me with that creepy giant head and say NOthing!

2.Spiders- a wise man once said (I think it was Bill Engvall) Nothing on this planet needs eight legs. I agree 100%.  Plus I don't like getting bit or chased by them...Ugh!

3. Lifetime of Loneliness- What if I never get married and live alone my whole life known as the crazy cat lady with imaginary cats (not an animal fan, but I am starting to like dogs).

4.Scrutinizing Eyes- Sometimes I feel like everyone is staring at me thinking something awful. That's just crazy though, they don't know me and what could they possibly have to say?

5. The Dark- Not so much the dark as what's hiding in the dark that I can't see... I am completely terrified of being left alone in the dark.

6. Haunted Houses- I seriously love the rush of getting scared. But there are haunted houses that I think about from years ago the still send shivers up and down my back. They are also the perfect place to commit a murder... No one would even know it was happening ( have a great Halloween by the way!)

7. Standing Still- Every once in a while I feel like everyone around me is moving forward in life making all of this awesome progression and I'm stuck back at the starting line, in a child safety restraint that's tethered to a a giant weight and I can't get it released.

8. Rejection- What if I open my heart up to someone and I get scoffed at? I get used, taken for granted, then tossed to the side not needed at all.

9. Relationships- Everything about this scares me. I'm definitely more afraid of one working out than not.  Commitment terrifies me.  I want to be in one, but I'm afraid that they'll get bored with me and leave, it's happened before, it could happen again.  Plus I never want to get married and have my husband cheat on me  or divorce me, I've seen it happen to others and I can't handle something like that happening to me, at least I don't think so.

Welcome to my little list of fears and insecurities.

Everyone has them.

Like I said, Fear can help you to be smart and self-preserved, 

But can keep you from progressing in life if you let it overrun your mind.

Just remember a dash of fear can be helpful, 

but don't end up like Little Timmy from down the street. 

He's now 40 and never leaves the house because of his crazy conspiracy theories on the government. 

Don't be a Little Timmy.

One Day...

One day we'll be together

One day I'll give you hug

One day you'll say you love me

And one day you'll never leave.

It's so hard to miss someone you've never met 

 Yet every day so easy to forget.

Tonight is especially hard... I'm not sure why?

I sit here and cry when I should be happy.

Happy to know you loved me so much,

Happy to have three wonderful mothers.

Happy to be where I am today, 

Knowing I wouldn't be here otherwise.

Feeling so connected to someone I've never met, nor seen.

Not knowing is the worst part though.

Not knowing if I'll ever see you,

Not knowing If I can ever thank you.

Ever give you a hug.

Tell you I love you for what you've done.

I wish you were here to give me a hug.

Say you love me.

How proud you are of me.

Bask in my small, yet defined triumphs, that have made me who I am.

Lend me your shoulder and your tears

 While we share past heartaches,

Trials, and fears.

I shouldn't be complaining, some people only have one.

How lucky am I to have been blessed with two more?

Two mothers whom I can see often.

I love them quite dearly.

But It's the one I haven't met that I often ache to see.

Do I have your nose,

Your laugh,

Your ears,

Your bright eyes?

Or even your ridiculous trait to over-analyze every little detail in life? :)

(Maybe that one's just me)

One day...

I'll find my way back to your arms.

The same ones that held me 20 years ago.

The arms I pain for on the toughest of nights.

The ones that I need for reassurance.

Until then, your poems will suffice,

And the dreams of you will make due.

For now, I

Think of you, more than I need.

Pray for you, not nearly enough.

Miss you, way too much.

Love you, more than you know.

One day... One day we'll meet. 

My Birth-mother's Poem (one of the two) she wrote for me

May 31, 1992 -3 days after I was born:

Saying Good-bye

How can I say Good-bye, 

to someone as perfect as you?

You're so small and fragile,

Yet as strong as a baby can be.

Your skin so tan and silky,

Your forehead long and flat, 

Your little nose with its little dots,

And tiny rash on its tip.

Oh what cute little cheeks you have, 

How puffy they seem to be.

That deep, deep blue your eyes set off

Just stops my beating heart.

The way you suck on your bottom lip,

Making your top lip over-lap.

What innocence your face portrays 

as silently, and peacefully you nap.

How can I say Good-bye to you, 

After nine months of loving care?

Oh, how can I say Good-bye to you,

My Daughter, my Angel, my Love.

There's A Lot of F's In My F-f-future!

Some strange Phenomena has taken place in my life causing me to use words starting with the letter F or the F sound.

FWhat is going on?!!? 

(ok, that one was intentional)

Seriously though, I'm starting to think I may marry a Francisco, Fredric, or even a Francis.

Now I'm just being ridiculous.

Let's back this up a couple of weeks and I can prove that I'm not making this up and that "Ffff's" are slowly overtaking my vocabulary.

-I just stopped for like a half a second to think and I can feel my heartbeat pulsating like crazy in my neck/throat like a Frog's neck does...yeah, half amphibian. Still think I'm off my rocker? Nope!

Back on track now...

Lately I have been so Happy!

Even if my day has been crappy, I've been FANtasitic! 

Let me clarify, there is a difference between being Fantastic and being FANtastic.

Now I know you are thinking, "Well duh.... She just capitalized and made the word bold, of course it's different."

I'm over stressing the 'Fan' in the word and saying the entire word with more conviction, so yeah it's different.

When you are fantastic you are only has good as your day, if something bad happens it can effect your mood.  Don't get me wrong though, you can still be happy but in your mind it bothers you, just like a tiny rock in your shoe.

But when you are FANtastic, your mood is way better than your day is going. My days haven't been perfect, in fact no where near it. I've been feeling so wonderful that my days have been pretty dang close to perfection.

For the most part I'm usually in a pretty good mood and if not I put a smile on and try to make it a great day.  I haven't had to do that for the last Four weeks... I've been Fabulous... actually I've been

FanFreakingTastic!

Better yet, I've been happy with me; It's been a Very long time since that has happened.

I don't know why it's taken so long, but I'm not letting this feeling pass me by ever again.

I love it, embrace it, look Forward to it!

Now you are thinking, what are you doing that's making you so happy?

Excellent question my friends

It's the Simple things in Life!

Seriously though... it is.

1. Not to try and sound all churchy (ok kind of) I've been saying my prayers so much more than what I was and that has changed so much in my life.
2. I've also quite listening to the same sad break-up playlist that I've been listening to for 3 months... :) 
3. When I wake up I'm instantly with a smile on my face saying to myself "Here goes another one for the books. Smile and be happy Gee-Dang-It!
4. I've tried to say something nice or give a genuine compliment whenever I talk to somebody (it can be hard but then you get creative, i.e. Oh hey, Nice torso! I'm obviously kidding, but now I'm really going to use that one).
5. This last one has been a little more challenging. In my head I think physical touch is great and an amazing way to communicate whether you are flirting, talking, consoling, embracing, or being intimate. But outwardly I am so awkward with it. So yes, I try and give at least one hug a day or be kind of touchy (handshake, flirty punch, stuff like that). 

I know for a lot of people this last one might seem silly in a way- I like to blame my parents for me not being hugged enough as a child- But this is something that has always affected me. In every relationship I've ever been in it has been an inner conflict with myself to try and display my affection.

Well... that's my fabulously Fantastic routine lately, and I'm doing just Marvelous!

Labor Day Weekend Adventures

The best weekend had asked for my accompaniment and I graciously embraced it!

I got to visit some Awesome friends in Jerome, (I'm trying to get them to move back to Pocatello, which is a hell hole some days, even Idaho Falls would be great... I miss them dearly!)

we went to dinner and gabbed and gossiped like most women into the late hours of the night.

Before I left I got a start to grow my very own plant from Kayla's very own Joshie, so in honor of Joshie I have named mine Little JJ (Joshie Junior)! 

Yeee!!! I'm so happy and look how cute we are together!

One day Little JJ will make his own sprouts just like Joshie...

But for now He'll be in this jar until he gets some roots!

It's been decided that it I can keep him alive I will be able to do anything! ... Hopefully, 

Wish us luck.  I'm not too worried though mainly, because I am super caring, very reliable, would do anything for anyone or thing that I love- I love Little JJ.

(Ok I'm just really trying to talk myself up right now, he could actually... die, curse me for saying that and don't tell Little JJ, he would be devastated. I"m really going to do my best though and I'll post pictures of us doing fun things!

(Thanks Kayla, I will think of you whenever I look at Little JJ)

My weekend doesn't stop there though! Yesterday I went to Old Town on a "Jess Date" with

The Dame With Who Shares My Name!

(It's Jess... I just wanted to sound cool and rhyme and what not)

Anyway we went to antique and consignment shops, where I got the cutest dress ever that she pulled for me, at the Cynthia Louise Boutique, to try on and it was only 18 bucks! Cute and cheap, that about sums me up... not that I'm cheap, because I'm not. I just like a good deal for cute clothes.

Just to be clear I am no Trollup.

After we were done shopping we went to Renae's Rolls and got dinner and some delicious ice cream. 

Our dinner was sinfully good and I'm so going back. All of their food is homemade and they sell Reed's Dairy ice cream... Which until light of recent events, I discovered that it is quite scrumptious!

On our walk back to my apartment we had to pass through the tunnel where an Old Bum nearly raped us! 

(Not really, but it could have happened!)

We handled it like champs though....  Well I was oblivious.  

I was talking on my phone and Jess kept walking super fast and looking over her shoulder. Turned out after he passed us he turned around and was following us until Brother Lee (from the Institute) rode through on his bike... Good thing I said my prayers that morning!

We safely made it to my apartment and then drove over to hers, where we watched Hunger Games and ate our delicious food! 

I had a wonderful weekend!

*Did anyone else cry in the Hunger Games? Why do I ask? Oh no reason, I certainly did NOT cry like a baby periodically through the movie or anything that's for sure...